The Colour of Love : Indigo

From where I sat, the water seemed to be flowing pretty fast. Dark, undulating ripples, blue-black depths. The bruises on my back, shoulders and shins were pretty much the same colour. A solitary tear made its way down my cheek and into my hair. It was not the pain, as much as the self-loathing, that drew bile in my mouth. In an instant, my body was wracked with spasms and I retched. I retched till nothing came out but dry gasps and painful panting. I lay back on the rock I was sitting on. It was bare, polished by the relentless winds and waters that beat upon it for millennia. Nothing could grow on the dark, flat cliff. It gave me much comfort, the smooth coolness of it. I closed my eyes for a second and then jerked them wide open. A vision flashed before me every time I entered the darkness of my mind. Blurred faces, violent thrusts, screaming voices, the sharp tang of blood and fluids. Involuntarily, I scratched myself, drawing blood from my arms. The pain obliterated the sights, sounds and smells for a while. And then, again, I felt it. Rough, calloused fingers probing me, spiked shoe soles holding my feet down, wetness in my mouth, on my face, all over my body. My hips throbbed in the memory of the brutal invasion, and the blood running in shining rivulets down my thighs could have been imagined, had it not been accompanied by the salty smell of rust. I sat up and retched again, this time spitting blood from my parched and burning throat. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I screamed and screamed till my voice gave out. My tears, my pain, my humiliation, my anger fuelled me on. I stood on the precipice looking down at the river flowing beneath. I extended my foot into the void. Moments later, flesh met water. The desecration of my body and soul dissolved in the dark blue depths.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The inky sky was dotted with stars as I turned away from the edge of the cliff. For the first time since I bludgeoned him to death, I surveyed the scene of my devastation. The blood-soaked rock with which I bashed his head in gleamed blackly in the moonlight. A trail of the same blackness led from there to the edge. My toes still tingled from the sponginess of flesh when I kicked his body off it. He had been heavy, but my strength came from what he had robbed me of - my dignity. To think that I was naive enough to believe that he loved me the way I loved him. Moonlight robbed the plateau of colour, except the bruises on my body and soul.

"A lovers' stroll" he'd said, no love did he show
A sweet kiss turned sour, a caress became a blow
My dream was a nightmare, and little did I know
My innocence was foolish, my beauty was a whore
He wanted my body for the night, no more
I trusted the unfaithful, and rewarded I was so
The sky and the water, my body and my soul
Were the colour of my battered love, they were indigo

19.11.2011 : When Two Became One

Our wedding was all that we wanted it to be - simple, intimate and well enjoyed with family and each other. Sourav and I are now officially hitched!

Almost Beautiful

I wake up in a bed, Not quite sure
Of where I am, or where I was before
Every nerve, every sinew,every drop of blood burns
My face beaten to a pulp, and my tormentor turns

I search his face for emotion, even hate would do
The indifference, the disdain is what pierces through
As if I were nothing, not human, nor animal
Just a soft piece of flesh to be consumed at will

My wrists chaff, the ropes binding me bite
As horror fills me, I strain with all my might
But nothing can save me from what's coming my way
It's been an eternity, or was it just a day?

To be loved but abused and fondled but raped
Contradictions abound, but I'm tied to my fate
Did anyone miss me, did anyone care
Did anyone search, or hurt, or despair?

Fire and ice can both burn just as bad
I know, I've had them both drive me mad
More than my body, it's my spirit that aches
Only a woman can feel what a man can only take

No honour, no respect, no worth, no esteem
Everything taken away from me
No virtue, no merit, no value, no purity
All murdered on the altar of morality

For those who violate and plunder me so
Are not strangers, but my blood, my very own
I'm paying the price for their vanity
Their pride, their honour, their virtuosity

I feel my breath fading as I am pillaged again
I close my eyes to drown into memories of happier days
Hidden from the world a look, a touch, a stolen kiss
Days of love, moments stolen from time itself and wedded bliss

A forbidden love, or so they said, as they hacked to death
The light of my life, the reason for my existence, my every breath
And then they turned on me, and so I was on this bed
Battered and violated and brought to justice in their heads

I open my eyes briefly, to look at their world one last time
For I know beyond doubt it's no longer mine
I'm headed to heaven, no matter how broken or pitiful
In my world I'm whole and strong.. and almost beautiful

Repentance

He lay on his deathbed
Alone, except for one
No wreaths near his head
Remembered and mourned by none

And even as he lay gasping for air
That burnt his lungs and drowned his voice
The Devil stood beside him, watching
For long ago he'd made his choice


He'd sold his conscience in his prime
Auctioned to the highest pay
His soul belonged to the Devil
Who stood to collect his due today

He had no heart, no warmth nor love
Agony struck every nerve and sinew
He'd sown his seeds of greed and ambition
Perdition his fate was now bound to

But even as his ragged breaths faded
Lucifer gave him one last chance
Do you want to make it quick
Or do you want to drag out the dance?

He coughed and spluttered
I do not fear the dead, for they do not live
It's the living that I dread
To their questions, I have no answers to give

Take my spirit as per contract
Terms and conditions stand strong and whole
But make me suffer as much as you can
Carve the pain of my life into my soul

Faithless

Aman stood at the sea-facing window of his posh office. He was looking at his wife, and for a change the sight made him smile. It had been over a year since he had found joy in the sight or sound of his wife. And yet, the photographs he now held in his hand brought the elusive grin to his face. Who would have thought Maya would be careless enough to be caught like this. Cocktails with Sid, when she had clearly told him she was at her mother's. And wearing her expensive ruby set with the explosive little black dress, too. There was another one of her and Sid in Goa. "Spa day" she'd said then. The piece de resistance was a special report confirming the presence of semen on a particularly racy pair of undergarments. Aman and Maya hadn't slept in the same room in a year. "Well, good for her, and better for me", thought Aman.  He could finally get rid of her without losing half his bank account and most of his property. He couldn't have played the divorce card till he had enough dirt on her to prove she was at fault. Kiran would be thrilled at the news.

Aman pressed a button on the desk. A discreet buzz, and a mellow, pleasant voice said "Yes, sir?". Oh how he loved it when Kiran called him Sir. It immediately aroused him. "Could you come in for a sec?" he asked. "Right away.... Sir". A polite knock on the door a minute later, and Kiran entered. As usual, dressed to kill. Tall and fair, with a toned, athletic body that was a delight to the eyes, and dynamite between the sheets. Aman smiled. "I've got her now. I can finally dump the bloodsucking leech from my life... our life". Kiran took a sharp breath, "You're serious? Are you sure about this, about us?". Aman rolled his eyes, "I've told you a thousand times. Yes, yes and, in case you didn't get it the first thousand and two times, yes... again and always." Kiran frowned, "But she isn't just your wife, she is an influential partner in the company and she won't take kindly to me being promoted, especially after this". Aman smiled and rubbed his hands in glee. He clearly had something up his sleeve and was dying to share it. "That is exactly why I want to bring you in as a partner right away. Maya loves your work and considers you an asset to the company. You've played a major role in our growth these last couple of years. The best part is, she herself suggested you be promoted. We haven't agreed on anything in the last year except this. Naturally, I couldn't rush the promotion. The board needed to review your performance, although it was just a formality, given my suitably impressive recommendation. I just received the confirmation letter. You're now a partner in this company, and in my life". Kiran gasped and moving swiftly to Aman, hugged him. A partner at thirty years of age. The youngest the company had ever had. Aman quickly checked that the door was locked and closed his eyes as Kiran moved down his body. Appreciation was due.

Aman knew it wouldn't be an amicable separation. Maya wouldn't let him off easy. He would have to lay low about Kiran for a while, especially after a divorce on the grounds of infidelity. But at least things were moving. He reached home in a pleasant mood. He threw his coat on the sofa, grabbed a can of beer from the fridge and sat down to enjoy a toast to new beginnings. As he put his feet up on the table, he spotted a thick file on it with a sticky-note in Maya's handwriting. He opened the file to find divorce papers, a bunch of photographs and a sealed envelope. The note simply said "Read the letter first". Aman slit the envelope open. He read through the letter with increasing consternation. Maya was leaving him. She had proof he had been cheating on her. She was suing him for every paisa he had. The photos were of him and his secretary, Sheetal. There was one of them stepping into Sheetal's flat, sharing an umbrella. That was from the day he had dropped her home since it was raining hard. She had invited him to tea and he had stepped in for just long enough to call Maya and let her know he was stuck in a meeting and wouldn't come home before 2am. He had rushed off to meet Kiran right after that. There was another photo of him and Sheetal hugging. Sheetal's dog had died that day and he had comforted her in a strictly avuncular fashion. There was a receipt from a hotel in Bali when he was supposed to have been attending a conference in Singapore with Sheetal. He had of course been with Kiran, but how was anyone to know that. The divorce papers were thorough, and thoroughly nasty. Aman let out a hollow groan and buried his head in his hands.

An hour went by while Aman pondered his misfortune. If only he had been the first to file for divorce. Be that as it may, he wasn't going to let up without a fight. Maya was apparently not coming home today or any other day. She had probably cleared out her room, but he needed to make sure. He made his way to her room, one that he hadn't set foot in in a long time. It was neat and orderly, just like its mistress. He opened her cupboard. Most of her clothes and all of her jewellery were gone. The safe was empty. He made a quick examination of her bedside drawers. They all looked empty. As he pushed the last drawer back, it stuck midway. Aman knew Maya would have a field day if there was any evidence that he had searched her room. Probably add mental harassment or something to the charges. He pulled the drawer completely out and felt around the edges for any obstructions. His fingers closed upon a picture that seemed to have slipped behind the drawer shelf, causing the holdup. He pulled the picture out and sat staring at it for a long, long time. The face that he had loved stared back at him. Maya and her lover. He was holding her from behind, his bare chest made more visible by her black dress pushed off the shoulders. She was laughing as he whispered in her ear. Her patented ruby set added colour to the picture. Behind the photo, Maya had written in her precise way "One year with Kiran".

Mine

I was once so poor
That I wasn't sure
What I could want
What I could count
as being Mine

Walking to school
Barefoot, feeling like a fool
No footprints on the road
Only the blood on it told
it was Mine

My mama's in a bind
No food at home to find
The Old Man's drunk again
My screaming brother's pain
is Mine

I sell myself on the street
I get thumped, I get beat
My body's mine no more
But they can't touch my soul
it's Mine

Now mama's got new pearls
The Old Man's cigar twirls
My bro lives like a Pharaoh
Bones bleeding to the marrow
are Mine

They want more, they say
Mama curses my name
They say I'm mocking them
Don't wanna share with them
what's Mine

The Old Man cuts a deal
My mama sets her seal
They want me to repay
Everything I ever ate
thinking it was Mine

They say it is my duty
Only eight and she's a beauty
Start her early, she's gonna be dinner
In her frightened eyes, the face of the sinner
is Mine

I cannot, will not sell another
girl, I turn towards my brother
But that dog's so high on dope
His eyes gobble up the hope
in Mine

I try to compromise
I've made my sacrifice
Why does she have to drown
To the dogs her body thrown
like Mine


No other choice they gave
So I shot them to their grave
Blood seeping through their fingers
And the satisfaction lingers
in Mine

Summer Rain

Summer Rain...
I lift my face up to it and I can feel,
A thousand raindrops kissing me,
A thousand times my skin comes alive,
A new sensation every time...

Summer Rain...
The scent of baked earth
Watered by the heavens
Fills my senses
The breeze carries the perfume aloft
Vibrant and serene all at once...

Summer Rain...
Beauty revealed in mysterious ways
The delighted laughter of street kids
Happier caked in mud than pristine
United in rainy revelry
With their more blessed brothers...

Summer Rain...
Childhood regained
As I dance in the rain
A waltz with myself
Paper boats sent racing down rivulets
Eyes searching the sky for the elusive vibgyor...

Summer Rain...
The shower bathes
Sinners and Saints alike
Cleansing all it touches
And in those brief moments
All is innocent, all is pure...