Rakhi sellers all over India have reported a sharp increase in sales since yesterday, as women stock up on rakhis instead of pepper-spray, following Asaram Bapu’s recommendation.
“We usually don’t see any sales apart from two weeks in August each year. I usually just remove the gotas and the om symbols from the rakhis and sell them as friendship bands the rest of the year. But I have sold more rakhis in these past two days than the whole of last year”, said Dori Lal, a rakhi vendor in Delhi, even as women of all ages crowded around his thela.
Almost all shops, from grocery stores to garment showrooms, have introduced a rakhi section. Big Bazaar is offering annual and semi-annual super saver packs as part of its Wednesday Bachat Bazaar, with different coloured rakhis for different months. Reebok is reportedly coming out with a sports version soon.
“I have my eye on the annual super-saver pack for myself. I have anyway always called everyone “Bhaiyya”, from vegetable vendors to swayamvar contestants, so I don’t expect to be attacked. However, it pays to be cautious”, said Rakhi Sawant, out-of-work swayamvar convenor and loyal Wednesday Bachat Bazaar attendee.
Rakhi manufacturers have announced that they will soon release pre-knotted and elastic rakhis that can be slipped on to an attacker’s wrist without much trouble. “We want to do our bit to ensure the safety of our sisters. God willing, if we generate enough sales, we will even go to premier institutions like IITs, NITs etc. to hire the best engineers to bolster our design department”, declared a rakhi factory owner in the NCR region.
A statement, purported to have been released by the RSS read – “Asaram Bapu should be shortlisted for the Nobel Peace Prize for his efforts to promote brotherhood in India.”
Meanwhile, pepper-spray and stun-gun companies are contemplating a PIL against Asaram Bapu for offending the dignity of women, while secretly citing malicious intent to hurt their business. A representative of the companies remarked, “I don’t know what he has against us. We plan on presenting him with a gift hamper of self-defense products with a card reading ‘Get well soon, Bapu’.”
Scientists are also examining Asaram Bapu’s claims. A source, under condition of anonymity, revealed that efforts are on to try and clap with one hand.
“We have found conclusive evidence that it is, in fact, possible to produce a clapping sound with just one hand, provided a second surface of a sufficiently firm nature is within reach”, said the source, demonstrating the same by tapping this reporter’s bottom.
Being called “Bhaiyya” did not stop him, but a one-handed clap across his face did.
In related news, the sale of the Ramayana has also seen an unprecedented uptick. Roadside book sellers in Connaught Place say that ever since BJP leader Kailash Vijayvargiya commented on Sita, people are flocking to buy the Ramayana to try and make sense of his words.
Note : This piece by me was published on My Faking News yesterday - http://my.fakingnews.com/2013/01/08/rakhi-sales-boom-following-asarams-speech-pepper-spray-companies-cry-foul/